#KINK LIST CHECKLIST PARTNER AND SELF PRO#

“You can get attention in plenty of ways that don't involve getting hit,” Jean explains, “but it can be confusing because it can start out feeling fun and different until you realize you’re putting up with the pain for this other feeling that you like.' You could love getting attention but hate feeling pain, in which case, spanking would fall under your “no” column. “You can absolutely put those on a yes/no/maybe list.” “ I do want to feel small, but I don't want to feel degraded, for example, or I do want to feel slutty, but I don't want to feel used,” Lange says. While your list can be a simple chart of sex acts, the experts recommend using the space to flesh out your “goal feelings,” or how you want sex to make you feel. It’s not in lieu of a consent conversation.” Is a yes/no/maybe list just for sex acts? “Just because I said yes to this doesn’t mean it's always on the table all the time. “It's not a consent contract,” Jean clarifies. One thing a YNM list is not? A binding agreement to do anything in particular, or an excuse to forgo ongoing discussions around consent. Maybe you say, yes, you’re into pegging, but only under certain circumstances or only with certain toys. The Ultimate List of Kinks and FetishesĪnd within that negotiation, there could be some caveats.In a sexual context, even folks who are less experimental can create a version of the YNM list that includes traditional sex acts that they are or aren’t interested in. Polyamorous folks can use a YNM list to navigate their relationship boundaries.

It’s even applicable to relationship styles. Kali explains that while the YNM list has its roots in the kink world, it’s a powerful negotiation tool that’s been expanded to encompass “a variety of sexual adventurers or sexual explorers,” not just kinksters. “You can say, ‘Okay, this is a green light, this is a green light, maybe we can talk about this one.’” “Because it’s a graphic format-it’s written-it's a good way to figure out where you and a partner line up and maybe where you don't line up,” she explains.

Maybe you would say “yes” to being tied up and golden showers, “no” to pegging, “maybe” to wax play, and so on. For example, on the list could be: being tied up, pegging, golden showers, and wax play.

#KINK LIST CHECKLIST PARTNER AND SELF PRO#

Pro dominatrix and kink educator Mistress Shayla Lange, owner of NYC’s largest woman-owned dungeon, defines a YNM list as “a list of kinks or fetishes that somebody brings to the table”-whether they’ve tried them before, read about them online, saw them in a movie, whatever. So, what is a yes/no/maybe list, and what is it not? Unless, of course, what you really want is to swallow it. No matter your relationship status, a YNM list is an accessible resource that can illuminate information about your sexual desires in new ways-and help you ask for what you really want, instead of just swallowing it. A YNM list can help you identify not only which sex acts you want to explore, she says, but more importantly, which emotional experiences you want to have during sex-something she addresses in The Yes, No, Maybe Workbook, a resource she created to help folks find more nuance in their own lists.īut whether it’s a workbook, a spreadsheet, or scribbles in a drugstore notebook, sex educator Lola Jean, headmistress of the 7 Days of Domination school, says the concept of the YNM list provides you and your partners a foundation to build upon in whatever way suits you best. While traditional yes/no/maybe (YNM) lists are pretty straightforward (think spreadsheet style, with three columns and a simple roster of activities), Kali recognizes this format is limited. “If you’re nervous about saying to someone, ‘I want to put my feet in your mouth,’ or ‘ I want to peg you,’ can create a psychological buffer where nos become less intensive and yeses become a jumping-off point instead of a complete sentence,” kink coach Princess Kali, founder of, says.

Kink list checklist partner and self